Archives: 1983
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2003


Pia Zadora in The Lonely lady
Pia Zadora in "The Lonely Lady."

The 1983 Stinkers Bad Movie Awards Nominees:

Krull (Columbia Pictures)
Director: Peter Yates
Starring: Ken Marshall, Lysette Anthony, Freddie Jones, Francesca Annis, David Battley, Liam Neeson, Robbie Coltraine

It didn't take long for every studio in town to try and cash in on the sci-fi craze in the wake of the mega-success of "Star Wars" and "Conan The Barbarian." In 1983 alone, theater marquees boasted such trash as "Yor: The Hunter From The Future," "Ator, the Fighting Eagle," "Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn," and "Spacehunter: Adventures in The Forbidden Zone." But the most pointless of them all was "Krull." With its astonishingly bad special effects and sloppy dubbing, this drivel about a young prince on the planet Krull who must recover a magic ornament to save his kingdom may have actually set sci-fi films back a few years. It takes an eternity to tell its story. The film is notable only to catch a glimpse of then-unknown Liam Neeson. Produced by movie theater chain mogul Ted Mann, who should have known better.
VHS/DVD

The Lonely Lady (Universal Pictures)
Director: Peter Sasdy
Starring: Pia Zadora, Lloyd Bochner, Bibi Besch, Joseph Cali, Anthony Holland, Jared Martin, Ray Liotta, Kenneth Nelson

Pia Zadora is a screenwriter climbing her way to the top in this dull adaptation of the Harold Robbins novel. Features several terrible songs, and some extra campy dialogue. Ray Liotta's film debut.
VHS only.

Porky's II: The Next Day (20th Century Fox)
Director: Bob Clark
Starring: Dan Monahan, Mark Herrier, Wyatt Knight, Roger Wilson, Kim Cattrall, Scott Colomby, Kaki Hunter, Nancy Parsons, Chuck Mitchell, Edward Winter

This atrocious and deathly unfunny follow-up to the 1982 box office sensation "Porky's" was a misfire in every conceivable way. The film opens promisingly enough with a four-minute montage of debatably funny moments from the first film, considered by some (certainly not us) to be a classic of the teen gross-out comedy genre. It doesn't take long for things to go downhill rapidly from there. It is safe to say "Porky's II: The Next Day" is really a drama marketed as a wild comedy. In the era before the PG-13 rating, any kind of nudity was slapped with an automatic "R" rating. Video renters in the 21st Century who discover the "Porky's" trilogy might surely wonder what all the "R rated" fuss is about. If any of the "Porky's" films were released today, they would barely rate a PG, that's how tame they are by contemporary standards. True to its title, the action in "The Next Day" shows the aftermath of the destruction of "Porky's" nightclub by a group of high school students who appear to be well into their late 20's! This film is simply dreadful. Followed by a third and final installment in 1985.
"Porky's" (1982):
VHS/DVD
"Porky's II: The Next Day" (1983): VHS
"Porky's" and "Porky's II: The Next Day" together on: DVD - BEST VALUE!
"Porky's Revenge" (1985): VHS only.
Porky's Gift Set: all
three stinkers - Porky's 1,2, and 3 on VHS for one incredibly low price.

Still Smokin' (Paramount Pictures)
Director: Thomas Chong
Starring: Richard "Cheech" Marin, Thomas Chong

This slight change of pace for Cheech and Chong has the marijuana-dazed duo playing themselves. The paper thin plot revolves around Cheech being mistaken for Burt Reynolds as the pair arrives in the Netherlands for a Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton film festival. There are lots of fantasy sequences and over the top gags, most of which are more tedious than funny. The best of the bunch has C&C tagteam wrestling the Invisible Man. Fans of Cheech and Chong's comedy records of the 1970s will be glad to see some of their favorite sketches brought to life on the big screen (Ralph and Herbie, Hey Margaret, Hippie and the Old Man, and Blind Melon Chitlin, among others), but for the uninitiated, this will be a very bumpy ride. As their final "stoner" film, "Still Smokin'" plays more like a contractual obligation than a heartfelt endeavor.
VHS/DVD

Two of a Kind (20th Century Fox)
Director: John Herzfeld
Starring: John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John, Charles Durning, Oliver Reed, Beatrice Straight, Scatman Crothers, Ernie Hudson, Kathy Bates, the voice of Gene Hackman (as God)

After the surprise success of "Grease," every studio in Hollywood was clamoring to reteam John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. Which makes it all the more puzzling why the pair opted for this vapid script. The plot revolves around a band of angels who bet God that two selfish people will redeem themselves or he can blow up the Earth. Troubled production had the working titles, "Second Chance" and "Twist of Fate."
VHS only.

The worst film of 1983:
Krull (Columbia Pictures)


About the 1983 ballot picks:

Other titles that almost made the final ballot were:

Amityville 3-D
Ator, the Fighting Eagle
Chained Heat
A Christmas Story
Curse of The Pink Panther
Eddie and The Cruisers
Hercules
The Hunger
Jaws 3-D
Jimmy The Kid
Liquid Sky
Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn
A Night In Heaven
The Outsiders
Scarface
Smokey and The Bandit Part 3
Spacehunter: Adventures in The Forbidden Zone
Staying Alive
The Sting II
Stroker Ace
Superman III
The Wicked Lady
Yellowbeard
Yentl
Yor: The Hunter From The Future
Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars